"One of which"
I basically wasted away my entire "random/luck?/jackpot" inheritance in less than a year, so how's that for me choosing independent "earning" over handouts dad? However and most importantly, I have put the "waste" to fairly good use; helped some people around me, helped some people not around me, and I'm keeping every single experience I can recollect and everything I learned from this act for a very long time so thanks for that.
I never wanted your money or your families money, just weekly phone calls was more than enough for me-honestly. However, you have taught me a lot (I highly think your teachings were done so unknowingly by you) but for all that you have taught me I have to say that I am grateful. I cannot think of a different word in this application other than grateful. Learning is good even if your teacher is horrible, when present in "life's classroom" not learning anything is worse than learning even through bad teachings. If the takeaway is that you learned something that can be a good thing. For even though a lot of what you taught me was unnecessary, unneeded, and most of the time I also resented what you taught me and how you taught me, I can say you taught me things or at least I received knowledge or wisdom from your acts and I can choose to attempt to appreciate that. I choose to learn and interpret the way I want to, you taught me to be a good dad by not being one, you taught me not to leave by leaving (although you leaving me haunts me with that act available to me), you taught me a lot about pain, you taught me a lot about what lonely feels like, you taught me a lot about fear, I taught me how to be the man I am but I'm still working on this piece and I have so very much to learn about being a man, you taught me a lot about confusion, you taught me basically nothing about women and relationships except that they like foot rubs and you taught me a lot about how to hurt them, you contributed a lot to my sadness, you taught me how to feel worried and live scared and true nervousness, somethings you did made me laugh or even happy (whether you did so knowingly or not) like your accent or encyclopedic style of knowledge, I will always remember how you looked when you combed your hair to the side, how to survive with nothing, how to survive with nothing, I think that more than anything you taught me that it is possible to survive with nothing. You literally lived on trash. You left your mom and dad, you left your brothers and sisters, you left your friends, you left your kids, and you somehow "survived". I don't want that. I never wanted that. It's a strong life lesson that I understand, but I don't want that. You don't really deserve the credibility of me, a nice smart good man, stating you are the reason I am a good dad even if you taught me by leaving me. I feel self taught, but I'm not proud of the situation you put me in to get here. You did not survive without nothing. You basically died very slowly and painfully over decades. True definition of decaying. I think living is a lot about love. Your final breaths to death was rapid and hopefully painless or with minimal pain, but you were empty, and I do not want to live or die empty. I have a mom who loves me because I'm there, I have a brother who loves me because I'm there, I have kids who love me because I'm there, I'm there because I love them. I am not homeless like you for many reasons, one of which, because I want to teach them that you can also survive within a home and with a roof over your bed. I may not know what I want to do with my life, but I will try to figure it out and maybe I will someday, and maybe I won't, but I try. You did not have to do what you did, you did not have to leave us, you did not have to be homeless, you did not have to not work, you did not have to do drugs or drink, you did not have to choose to just "survive". Why would you choose that? Did it make you truly happy sleeping on the streets, diving in dumpsters, and begging? You were not a hippy, hippies do not do meth and drink like you, or treat people the way you did. You were not a veteran, you were dishonorably discharged. I have taught myself or I think I am learning to try to cherish or at least take care of and appreciate what I have. I can remember more things you took from me than gave me. I try to creatively give myself these things back, but it is truly impossible and unfair. The phone calls every Sunday were good. Why did you do that? Did you have an agenda? Was that a realization on your part that you could basically have these cake crumbs and eat them too? You taught me summer sausage on crackers with mustard. You taught me a lot about fear. I never knew you. I never knew who you really were. I think you hid who you were even from yourself. I think you were scared. More scared than I am. I think you were empty. I may feel empty but I fight it and fill it as much as I can with my truth or my emotions and not mask it with drugs or alcohol. Why tree trimming? Good all around? You tried something and it felt okay? You should have tried harder. You definitely should have tried harder. I try hard and I will also try harder too. Thanks for teaching me another lesson, "try harder", another lesson you "taught" me by doing the complete opposite of yourself and hardly trying at all yourself. I think you can say I'm definitely and extremely resourceful for making these significant life lessons come to fruition out of basically thin air. Well dad, I try to fill my lungs and my heart and my brain with your thin air. I did not deserve anything you did to me or for me whether directly or indirectly except the Sunday phone calls but I will take everything you did to me and for me directly and indirectly and make the most of it right? How's that for cherishing what you "have"? How many can cherish what they never had like I am? How many unfairly treated fatherless children eventually thank their father for teaching them what not to do? Seriously, how many?
Love you too and always did..
(Sorry I dumped your ashes where you left me a child, it was the only place I could think of that felt right. I do hope you are reincarnated into a sparrow. Enjoy your death dad).